The Destructive Power and Insidious Creep of Should

We live in a culture of fear of missing out, comparison and short attention spans.  This culture has made regret a high stakes endeavor where regret must be avoided at all costs. No expense can be spared financially or emotionally in order to avoid regret. 

Enter the world of SHOULD.  Should is regret lite and somehow socially acceptable.  Should is external pressure coming up against our inner values and core needs.  When we look at the world through the lens of should then nothing we do or attempt to do will ever be good enough because our actions are not originating from our authentic self.  "I should have done that extra bit of work rather than rushing home to my family." “I should just forgive and forget.”  "I should not have spoken up in that meeting." “I should clean the house instead of resting.” Should weaves its way into our lives and takes hold. Should interferes with joy and connection. Being aware of, and reducing our use of should connects us to our authentic selves and our sincere wants and needs.

Why Should is Destructive

The danger of should is that it is powerless and passive. Should does not invite new perspective or inspire change. Should does not help us grow. Should puts us in a box of someone else’s creation and priorities. In counseling, therapists use the term congruent vs. incongruent to address this concept. (Congruent: 1.in agreement or harmony) When we live in a place of should we are unable to be authentic and be in agreement or harmony with ourselves because we are attempting to appease an external pressure. We are incongruent.

Should arrows right to the heart of the fear and vulnerability that every human carries and whispers the words: “You could do better, you’re not quite good enough as you are.” Should amplifies our fear, shame and vulnerability.

Putting This Work Into Action

How often do you start a sentence with the words “I should…”? I encourage you to pay attention to your use of the word should and begin to notice where and how often it creeps into your life. Has should become a part of your marriage? Is should in the middle of parenting your children? Does should get in the way of connecting with friends and family? Does should keep you from taking the time to do things that you love?

Once you notice a pattern compare that pattern to your values. How does this lingering regret help you? If it does not, that is where inner values and core needs come into play. Do I need to do this thing to maintain my life, my household, my marriage, my job, or my mental health?

If you find that the should in question resonates with one of your core values then approach the should from a different angle, “I could...” (curiosity), “I want...” (prioritizing), “I need...” (boundary setting) to see where you want it to constructively fit in your world.

Do I want to do this thing? Does it align with my values? Does it bring me joy, satisfaction, connection, contentment, or knowledge? Does this action add to my life in a meaningful way? Does it make me more ME?

By getting rid of or replacing the should we are able to focus on our core values and needs to become more centered and authentic. We can build our lives around connections and actions that bring us joy and contentment because we are no longer chasing external rewards. We can have confidence and authenticity in ourselves rather than looking for outward approval and acceptance. Personal acceptance is the most valuable type of acceptance of all.

A caveat: ending the use of should is not giving ourselves permission to be harmful or destructive to ourselves or others, but allowing our inside wants, needs and values to become our guiding force rather than attempting to appease an external force.

I invite you to put the work of banishing should into action and see how it impacts your life.